love is not for the faint-of-heart.
Now Playing: girls aloud - love is pain

It's rare that you see political leaders in love. Looking at footage of the Emperor and Empress of Japan (http://www.thestar.com/article/663194) and The Obamas makes me believe that love exists. It's a subtle glance, a kind gesture, a genuine smile. I've been thinking a lot about the things people give and take to be in love... and soulmates. I think when you are fully in charge of your emotions and open in that way with another person, it transpires into other avenues of your life. The happiness transcends other emotional spirals in other aspects of your life. I think it's remarkable the out pouring to help another comes from another place in your life, or from the experiences you've been through. The lengths families and friends will go (without second thought) to fight for something they believe in. 

I've been having some pretty crazy intense conversations/realizations about people (human beings). I don't think it's possible to fall "out of love" but more that you can't love who the person has become (or has changed from your expectations of who they are/were) and that's why people divorce or break up or what not. It's that thing where you say, "we gave it our best college try, but now we must part ways" and it can be a good thing. it doesn't have to be all negative, and it's a change. an inevitable change as changes go. I really admire how people who you can tell are so in love with each other, how they are able to give so much to each other. To let it all go and say "I love you enough to let you hurt me". I think that's what's been holding me back... the fear of "getting hurt" by someone other than myself. I guess it goes to back to me being accountable for what happens in my life. Stupid self-held beliefs. :P.  I think I need to jump (feet first) into this dating pool. Like fully throw myself into it and see if I sink or swim. I need to stop holding back and just test the waters. 

I recently discovered my really intense attraction to guys with dark hair and light eyes. I'm not sure what that says... :P. And musicians/artists. I think it might have to do with me wanting to be someone's "muse". haha. What?!? It'd be pretty interesting to see an artist's perception of me, no?  

There's scientist in Britain who have created synthetic sperm (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/8138963.stm). Although I support stem cell research, this might be taking it a little far. It's definitely interesting to see where this kind of research goes. They proposed that gay men could generate a child through this type of technology --- a thought that never really crossed my mind. It's possible to do IVF and artificial insemination with sperm and egg, but is possible to create an embryo by somehow modifying two eggs or two sperm? Crazy thought. I guess this is why I'm not innovative enough to get into research. I couldn't possibly see beyond "Wow, I created artificial sperm", actually it would be more like I would  never come up with artificial sperm because I didn't think it was possible. But maybe that's the path I need to start taking. Less about accepting what's impossible and questioning the "Why not?" aspect of life? Why not overcome what we think of as normal and explore the "why notS"? 

I think sometimes I come off as bitchy... and I am a cranky old fart, that much is true. :P. But sometimes the bitchyness comes across in situations where I'm genuinely interested in finding out about something (prying/nosy) or I'm going out of my social comfort zone and I try and socialize with people in my socially awkward conversational state. Like my feelings are about being nice and sincere, but they come across as... anti-social and spiteful. An acquaintance/new friend told me that I come across as "real" and "no bullshit". And I guess I do... and I expect that to be the intentions of others as well. But I think it needs to be contained with people who have not yet gotten to know me. I think part of it is on those people who fear the "real" and like the honesty is too harsh to face, which I can understand.  I'm such a geek through and through. 

It's links like these (http://ca.dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/datingtips/88212/dating-advice-10-things-you-dont-know-about-liars) that make me think that people like playing dating games WAY too much. If you're doling out dating advice to "trick" the guy into seeing if he's lying, there's something wrong with that. I don't really understand why people lie anyways. It's a thing that bothers me. Usually it's not even an important thing to lie about.

So this weekend I've been quite the busy social bee. :). It's a hard life and I don't do it well. My body hates me right now. This weekend didn't help the guy situation too much. I'm not cocky in the slightest, but I've been hit on quite a few times in my lifetime and I know when it's happening. A guy is not gonna talk to you because they are nice and actually interested in what you are saying, EVEN IF THEIR GIRLFRIEND is standing 20 feet away. It disgusts me how painfully creepy guys can be. I'm pretty sure I'm not overreacting. A guy doesn't sit across from you and puts their face like two inches from your face and not make it creepy. Doesn't happen, sorry buddy. You're a creep. And also, meeting your friend's friends are nice, but I can spot a creep from halfway across the room and when he tries and pushes the conversation without really listening to what you are saying, he's only after one thing. And of course the whole time I'm looking for my exit. :). Also, telling me you had mono is not very attractive. Don't ask for my number right after that, WTF!

Not a good weekend guy-wise at two different parties on two different nights. Good conversations with other people otherwise, which made me forget about the creepyness that is guys. I don't really understand why it's so hard to just meet people and be interested. UGH. This is what I hate about socializing, there's some certain expectations and niceties to come by.

I have really bad gaydar. Really really bad gaydar. I can't tell when someone is metro or if they're gay. I really can't. WHY OH WHY. Let's just say, makes for some very embarassing moments. :).

boys and girls pretend to know me.
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: the veronicas - popular

I made it a rule... (good or bad for my other priorities) to be more social. So far in the last few months, I've spent time with my every-day friends, my "when they're in town" friends, old high school friends, new nursing friends, really really old childhood friends, and even spending time with some strangers. It's been a good time, sometimes lonely/sometimes overwhelming experience. It's been one of those things that even if I really really didn't want to, I would do it for the sake of being "normal" and less "lonely". Not that I want to fit into any norms, more like I want to know who I am... so I can be me. The eye-opening old childhood encounter was quite random but what I needed. My bestfriend in first grade for goodness sakes! It's really amazing how much I think she and I needed to catch up and reflect on those simple times. Also with the highschool friends... they remind me of who I was and what I've become. They bring out that spark in me that I feel like I'm missing at times. It made me realize of all the things that I miss about the "old me".

I miss the hugging and the laughs and the random spontaneous adventures. I rarely hug anymore, but once I'm back with these people it's hugs 24/7 all the time. When I need a hug, it doesn't need to be said there are always open arms there waiting. Man, I miss that lots. And I recall ME being the one to initiate that. Can you believe that?!? LOL. So much has changed... now I think it would be weird to initiate that hugging reflex. Partially because they don't know me like that and maybe also it's because the people in my life who don't hug don't know me in that respect. I'm mercurial and an enigma I tells ya. :P.

With all this socializing, I've realized that I'm really really good at initiating conversation and conversation topics, but I don't fair well with continuing the conversation. LOL. No idea what that's about. I guess I'm more interested in what other people have to say than for what *I* have to say. I guess I need to open up more. I don't really tell anybody anything... it's really bizarre, and I wish that could change but half the time I have no idea what I'm saying or mean to say... so really, what's the point?! :P.

I'm gonna try and get into dancing this summer. Just to see if I can do it. :). 

will you think that you`re all alone when no one`s there to hold your hand?
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: david cook - permanent

The bolded following is from a random blog that I bumped into... written by a friend of a friend. The questions are written from the perspective of a guy so the questions are phrased in the form of "she" and "her", but I think they're pretty applicable to both sexes. It really is a mind-thinker. But when it comes right down to it, even though you can be politcally correct about some things say, the first question ("no i would be okay with them having a kid"), in reality is that how you feel (is it practical to invite this kid into your life? yours into theirs?)? I'm gonna attempt to answer each... :P.

---

Ever started dating someone or liking someone and then you find out something that just totally flips the script?

Lets imagine, you’re in deep like…still getting to know someone. Not in love yet, just in a deep like phase. You’ve gone out a few times and she hits you some news or some scenarios pop up. I wanna know how you would feel or how you would react.

What if…

1) You found out she had a kid? - I think if the guy had a kid, I would totally have to reconsider. I mean, it wouldn't bother me, but  I'd definitely have to reassess where the relationship was going, what it meant for me, for him, for the kid. I think that kids these days are so exposed to changing families and people walking in and out of their lives that I don't want to contribute to that if I wasn't fully committed. 

2) She was a hoe? (and everyone knows about her past, and you didnt until just now)  - I know a lot of guys... who have been with lots of chicks (in whatever respect that means). It bothers me, but I guess I would have to consider  if that person is still that way and what those previous encounters mean presently. It would definitely have to be discussed that's for sure.

3) She dated someone that you hated? - I generally don't care about these sorts of things. The only person I can say I hate is Dr. Phil, and if the guy was with him; well that would be a whole other situation altogether.

4) She dated someone that hated you? - Who could hate me?!? :).  Not really sure how to answer this one? Would I have to consider if this was a revenge thing? I don't know. 

5) She dated your boss/ coworker? - It'd definitely be pretty awkward if this were the case. I really don't know. 

6) She still had a man? - I in no way condone cheating, and would definitely not want to be "the other woman" (most especially if I wasn't aware). So, this is a big no. 

7) She didnt have a job? - A guy needs to have goals/direction. He doesn't need to have a job (could be in school), but he needs to be realistic about how he's going to live a  life of his own. I'm not a big fan of dependent people (granted I am one myself; I'm really trying not to be). 

8 ) She was talking to you and a few other guys? Like casual dating everyone? Or only into flings? - I've been in this situation way too many times. I think my history has shown that I was pretty in the dark about where I stand with guys. I've almost come to expect that I'm not #1 with guys... which is a weird place to be. On the other hand and probably as a result, because of that I've had a bad habit of "talking" to multiple guys. It backfires that's for sure. It's all about being honest with each other and definitely with yourself.

9) She lied about something she told you earlier in the relationship? - I really can't stand lying. It would have to depend on the extent of the lie and the reasoning behind it. People lie to impress other people; but if I'm not impressed on my own by who you really are; why would I be impressed by someone you're pretending to be?

10) She used to be a groupie? - I don't really understand this one, so I'm gonna interpret as if the guy was one of those guys who would  "like girls without ever really talking to them". Those guys are not rare and I've had my encounters with them. Definitely hard to wrap my head around it.  It would  again be a thing of who he was now, I suppose.

11) She hates romantic stuff? - I really like romantic guys. I mean, sometimes they expect reciprocity that can't be returned  (to the full extent) but I really enjoys the efforts. I'm a softie at heart. So a guy who's not all about the romance... I dunno. 

12) She was a picky eater? - LOL. It would have to depend. So if he's a picky eater does that mean he's not adventurous or willing to try new things? Because that might be more of the issue.

13) Her family was retarded? You know what Im talking about. - Family is a big part of someone's life. But so are friends. If you were raised by your friends, or you've somehow managed to overcome/deal with your family issues, that shows a lot of character. Everyone has their issues. 

14) She had too much drama in her life because of bad friends and decisions? - Is the guy searching for the drama? Has he learned to veer away from those bad friends and decisions? People can change if they are able to see the bad influences in their life. It's all about who they are now, and how they deal with that.

15) She was in hardcore debt and often asked you for money? Asking you for a few hundred here and there to pay for shit. - Again, I like guys who are independent. If they are asking for money, it means they haven't gotten their shit together. I don't want to babysit anyone. Get your shit together and then we'll talk. 

16) You found out they were implants?  - Doesn't really apply to guys but do guys care about implants on girls?

17) She has a set of friends that are all hoes? - I think sometimes you are the company you keep. It would really depend on what the friend dynamics were. I know of some good guys who have male whores/druggies as friends and have managed to  be the opposite. It would have to just be a matter of weighing the pros and cons if I could deal with the friends I guess? Not so much a judge of their character.

18) She only has guy friends? - I have a lot of guy friends so I don't find it an issue for a guy to have a lot of girl friends. We live in a different world and this shouldn't be an issue. 

19) She likes spending alone time with her close guy friends, cuddling as platonic friends? - I wouldn't expect close friendships to change just because someone has a new relationship. If it were just platonic that is. :P.

20) She didnt believe in marriage? - This is not the age of marriage. I know a lot of people who don't believe in "marriage" but I would expect that the guy would understand the committment behind the concept. And I don't believe marriage has to last forever; nor that everyone should have only one love in their lifetime, but for the time you're with someone, you should  acknowledge and respect them to have those clear boundaries of "I love you now" vs. "I loved you then". 

21) She never wants to have kids? - I find this one a little hard to  have any discussion about. I love kids and want kids of my own (in whatever way they get here). These are one of those things where you either do or you don't. Is it really  worth it to continue through something that won't change?

22) She doesnt believe in faithful men and expects you to cheat soon? -  I think people need to be realistic about their expectations. I think some people have trust issues and this is how they will feel based on their previous experiences. So  I understand where a guy would be coming from but I'm not sure what I would do to dissipate these fears? These are one of those things that is an internal thing from the guy's belief system. 

23) She’s always paranoid and always thinks you’re lying? - Again, I can only do so much to make someone feel secure, but if they don't believe me, I can't really help that, can I?

24) She’s needy and tries to make you cut your friends off? - I would prefer that  the guy has his own life, with his own friends, and his own interests. As nice as it is to have someone need you, I can't stand the clingyness past a certain point. 

25) She wants to see you everyday? - I appreciate that a guy wants to know what I'm up to. As long as the  expectation is not to abandon my other committments  to see him, then I don't see a problem with this. 

26) You guys have been serious for sometime and but she was about to move away soon? Like far away! - It would depend on the extent of what's transpired, what are the options (visiting, permanent move, etc.)?

27) She’s been sleeping with other dudes while you guys have been talking, except y’all aint together officially yet. - I would be somewhat surprised why this revelation hasn't been discussed. It would definitely bother me and  involves a judge of character.

28) She was also talking to a guy friend that you know she knows is close to you and he knows nothing about you guys? Would you be mad at your boy or the girl? - I think I would need to reevaluate my friend and the guy. 

29) She starts telling you to be different? - I think people should change for themselves to better themselves, and not for other people. 

30) You confront about her seeing other dudes and she says “Its not like we’re together”? - I'm not sure how black and white some guys are about these things. Refer to question #8.

31) She keeps doing things that piss you off? But was just “testing” you? Or keeps pulling hypothetical shit, like “I just wanted to see what you would do?” - This is just another form of being dishonest with someone. This person likes playing games and will continue to play games with you if you let them. 

32) She smokes weed/ cigarettes? - I have an issue with cigarettes. Always have, always will. It stinks, is expensive, and bad for your health. If there is a plus side to cigarettes, I am not convinced.

33) She gets kinda outta control when she’s drunk? - This is an issue about self-control. There are certain people that drink to run away from their issues... those underlying issues scare me.

34) She loves dancing with other guys when you’re around? - As long as they know where the boundaries are, and what signals they're giving off, it really doesn't matter to me.

35) She has bad etiquette and manners? Like she just talks to loud at restaurants? - I used to be a stickler for mannerisms and I think I've used them as excuses, but it would have to be something really repulsive for me to have second thoughts.

>>>>> gotta go do something. I don't really have any strong opinions on the last questions.  

36) She gives in on your first attempt?

37) She hasnt given in and its been months?

38) You always do sweet things and she never does anything back?

39) She was lousy in the sack? And she does none of your favorite things?

40) She always wanted to go out? She hates staying in and cuddling?

41) She didnt believe in love?

She had a criminal past? 

She wants to be an independant woman and doesn’t need a man to be happy?

She made a porn video with her ex? lol

She doesn’t talk late nights with you anymore on the phone?

She still chills with her ex bf?

---

 

i can't cook no, but i can clean up the mess she left.
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: kelly clarkson - i do not hook up

Oh, sweetheart, put the bottle down 
You've got too much talent 
I see you through those bloodshot eyes 
There's a cure, you've found it 
Slow motion, sparks 
You've caught that chill 
Now don't deny it 
But boys will be boys 
Oh, yes, they will 
They don't wanna define it 
Just give up the game and get into me 
If you're looking for thrills then get cold feet 
 
Oh, no I do not hook up, up I go slow 
So if you want me, I don't come cheap 
Keep your hand in my hand, 
Your heart on your sleeve 
Oh, no I do not hook up, up I fall deep 
Cause the more that you try, the harder I'll fight
To say goodnight 

I can't cook no, but I can clean 
Up the mess she left 
Lay your head down and feel the beat 
As I kiss your forehead 
This may not last but this is now 
So love the one you're with 
You wanna chase but you're chasin' your tail 
A quick fix won't ever get you well 
Cause I feel 
The distance 
Between us 
Could be over 
With the snap of your finger 
Oh no!
Oh, sweetheart, put the bottle down 
Cause you don't wanna miss out

---

been in a slump lately. not really sure what's up, but i've hopefully finally come to my senses. i'm on my way to organizing my priorities and giving up some of my short-term goals to make way for my long-term ones. been having some pretty weird conversations about my "future". it seems quite far away, but i guess it's always in the back of my mind. right now it has both good and bad aspects, but change is change (good or bad). 

 

i'm not sure what's up with my personal relationships lately. maybe i'm over-reacting but i feel like there are barriers going up all over the place. there are "forbidden" or "unspoken" topics, where there are otherwise weren't there to begin with; OR these topics have been highlighted by my maturity as topics that shouldn't be off-topic. i really would like to continue this "honesty" streak... but it's gotta be a two-way streak.

i think that couples who are able to... pretend they don't like each other as much in public groups as they do in their private lives, you gotta wonder how much they care for one another. like, i mean, i think that sometimes i think it's those couples that are "real" in that way have the right thinking. i can't even explain what i mean. only that i think sometimes no drama is the best way to live.