someone try to classify, a broken heart and twisted minds so i can find someone to rely on.
Now Playing: paramore - misguided ghosts

I'm going away for a while
But I'll be back, don't try to follow me
'Cause I'll return as soon as possible
See I'm trying to find my place
But it might not be here that I feel safe
We all learn to make mistake

And run
From them
With no direction
Run from them, from them
With no direction

I'm just one of those ghosts
Travelling endlessly
Don't need no road
In fact they follow you
And we just go in circles
Now I'm told that this life
And pain is just a simple comprimise
Ao we can get what we want out of it

Someone try to classify, 
A broken heart and twisted minds
So I can find someone to rely on

So run
To them, to them
Full speed ahead
Oh you are not
Useless
We are just

Misguided ghosts
Travelling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there's no one role
We should not be the same
But I'm just a ghost
And still they echo me
They echo me in circles

---

 I've hardly had a moment to myself to take a breath or a "me-moment" to enjoy the things I want to enjoy, to have a good conversation, to feel emotion, to actually consider what *I* want. I feel like I've been living through life on auto-pilot. Lately I'm getting reminded about things I've been missing out on, experiences and life moments that I think can probably only be experienced in my twenties, like travelling, relationships, heartaches, meeting new people, new hobbies, being independent, etc. Things that I'm kind of scared to admit that if I don't experience those things now or soon, that I won't know how to deal when it hits me later on, y'know? I feel like I'm a little behind on life, especially when finding out people are getting married, having babies, travelling abroad, finding new careers, embarking on new journeys. 

A friend of mine, of the "new" variety, has seriously hinted that there's something "wrong" with me that's preventing me from I guess moving past this stasis point. He suggested I get some serious "medical" help, or at least take a class or find someone to talk to... just to learn to talk to someone. 

too many times i have wanted to turn around and walk away.
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: susie suh - all i wanted

Too many times I have wondered
What all the trying is for
You come around, I feel so down, I’m gonna to drown
Cause I know that your falling short

But do you know it doesn’t change
The way I feel about you at the end of the day
Cause I know, that all I want is what you got
All I want is what you got

And too many times I have wanted
To turn around and walk away
Knowing deep inside, you can’t provide
What I need from you anyway

But do you know it doesn’t change
The way I feel about you at the end of the day
Cause I know, that all I want is what you got
All I want is what you got

I tell you that I wanna go, but I wanna stay {x3}
I wanna stay, I wanna stay, I wanna stay
But I know I’m gonna to lose myself this way

But do you know it doesn’t change
The way I feel about you at the end of the day
Cause I know, that all I want is what you got
All I want is what you got
But this moment is all I’ve got
It’s all I’ve got

---

 I'm very random. My moods change every 15 minutes and my attention flies from one thought/idea/visual to the next. Which could explain my internet browsing habits. I like the visuals at maximum, and the content short and sweet (for the most part). I use Google and Wikipedia addictively and probably could not live without it. I've been browsing friend's of friends and random blogs for no particular reason. This is probably pretty creepy (as I would it weird for someone to ADMIT to me that they read my blog, without me fully knowing my audience), but it's a good exercise in the human condition. I think this is why people flock to online games like WoW or go through dating websites/forums... NOT THAT *I* would ever consider these appropriate venues for socializing, but what I've learned from reading these blogs is that you are not alone/unique. The feelings you feel and the events you go through are not isolated for you. Which is a good thing. If someone else has been through similar heartbreak, or similar love, why not share in those emotions, and learn from their mistakes or lessons/words of wisdom?

I'm a flight risk when it comes to any kind of human interaction/communication. I hate hate hate confrontation. At the same time, I tend to go with the easy way out: avoid, avoid, avoid. If a relationship isn't working out, or becomes too intense, I walk. I think I'm too susceptible to finding flaws... for the sake of finding flaws. :S. *sigh*. I had a conversation with a very good guy friend of mine (not one I have ever thought romantically of) about the fact that I'm "picky". :P. LOL. I'm probably in denial, but I really don't think I'm picky. I mean... you're attracted to who you're attracted to, for reasons you can't really decide one way or the other. Basically you can't choose who you love (in that there will be some ethereal attraction that cannot be explained through physical/material/tangible reasons).  If you don't feel it, you don't feel it. Maybe I'm wrong.

love is not for the faint-of-heart.
Now Playing: girls aloud - love is pain

It's rare that you see political leaders in love. Looking at footage of the Emperor and Empress of Japan (http://www.thestar.com/article/663194) and The Obamas makes me believe that love exists. It's a subtle glance, a kind gesture, a genuine smile. I've been thinking a lot about the things people give and take to be in love... and soulmates. I think when you are fully in charge of your emotions and open in that way with another person, it transpires into other avenues of your life. The happiness transcends other emotional spirals in other aspects of your life. I think it's remarkable the out pouring to help another comes from another place in your life, or from the experiences you've been through. The lengths families and friends will go (without second thought) to fight for something they believe in. 

I've been having some pretty crazy intense conversations/realizations about people (human beings). I don't think it's possible to fall "out of love" but more that you can't love who the person has become (or has changed from your expectations of who they are/were) and that's why people divorce or break up or what not. It's that thing where you say, "we gave it our best college try, but now we must part ways" and it can be a good thing. it doesn't have to be all negative, and it's a change. an inevitable change as changes go. I really admire how people who you can tell are so in love with each other, how they are able to give so much to each other. To let it all go and say "I love you enough to let you hurt me". I think that's what's been holding me back... the fear of "getting hurt" by someone other than myself. I guess it goes to back to me being accountable for what happens in my life. Stupid self-held beliefs. :P.  I think I need to jump (feet first) into this dating pool. Like fully throw myself into it and see if I sink or swim. I need to stop holding back and just test the waters. 

I recently discovered my really intense attraction to guys with dark hair and light eyes. I'm not sure what that says... :P. And musicians/artists. I think it might have to do with me wanting to be someone's "muse". haha. What?!? It'd be pretty interesting to see an artist's perception of me, no?  

There's scientist in Britain who have created synthetic sperm (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/8138963.stm). Although I support stem cell research, this might be taking it a little far. It's definitely interesting to see where this kind of research goes. They proposed that gay men could generate a child through this type of technology --- a thought that never really crossed my mind. It's possible to do IVF and artificial insemination with sperm and egg, but is possible to create an embryo by somehow modifying two eggs or two sperm? Crazy thought. I guess this is why I'm not innovative enough to get into research. I couldn't possibly see beyond "Wow, I created artificial sperm", actually it would be more like I would  never come up with artificial sperm because I didn't think it was possible. But maybe that's the path I need to start taking. Less about accepting what's impossible and questioning the "Why not?" aspect of life? Why not overcome what we think of as normal and explore the "why notS"? 

I think sometimes I come off as bitchy... and I am a cranky old fart, that much is true. :P. But sometimes the bitchyness comes across in situations where I'm genuinely interested in finding out about something (prying/nosy) or I'm going out of my social comfort zone and I try and socialize with people in my socially awkward conversational state. Like my feelings are about being nice and sincere, but they come across as... anti-social and spiteful. An acquaintance/new friend told me that I come across as "real" and "no bullshit". And I guess I do... and I expect that to be the intentions of others as well. But I think it needs to be contained with people who have not yet gotten to know me. I think part of it is on those people who fear the "real" and like the honesty is too harsh to face, which I can understand.  I'm such a geek through and through. 

It's links like these (http://ca.dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/datingtips/88212/dating-advice-10-things-you-dont-know-about-liars) that make me think that people like playing dating games WAY too much. If you're doling out dating advice to "trick" the guy into seeing if he's lying, there's something wrong with that. I don't really understand why people lie anyways. It's a thing that bothers me. Usually it's not even an important thing to lie about.

So this weekend I've been quite the busy social bee. :). It's a hard life and I don't do it well. My body hates me right now. This weekend didn't help the guy situation too much. I'm not cocky in the slightest, but I've been hit on quite a few times in my lifetime and I know when it's happening. A guy is not gonna talk to you because they are nice and actually interested in what you are saying, EVEN IF THEIR GIRLFRIEND is standing 20 feet away. It disgusts me how painfully creepy guys can be. I'm pretty sure I'm not overreacting. A guy doesn't sit across from you and puts their face like two inches from your face and not make it creepy. Doesn't happen, sorry buddy. You're a creep. And also, meeting your friend's friends are nice, but I can spot a creep from halfway across the room and when he tries and pushes the conversation without really listening to what you are saying, he's only after one thing. And of course the whole time I'm looking for my exit. :). Also, telling me you had mono is not very attractive. Don't ask for my number right after that, WTF!

Not a good weekend guy-wise at two different parties on two different nights. Good conversations with other people otherwise, which made me forget about the creepyness that is guys. I don't really understand why it's so hard to just meet people and be interested. UGH. This is what I hate about socializing, there's some certain expectations and niceties to come by.

I have really bad gaydar. Really really bad gaydar. I can't tell when someone is metro or if they're gay. I really can't. WHY OH WHY. Let's just say, makes for some very embarassing moments. :).

boys and girls pretend to know me.
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: the veronicas - popular

I made it a rule... (good or bad for my other priorities) to be more social. So far in the last few months, I've spent time with my every-day friends, my "when they're in town" friends, old high school friends, new nursing friends, really really old childhood friends, and even spending time with some strangers. It's been a good time, sometimes lonely/sometimes overwhelming experience. It's been one of those things that even if I really really didn't want to, I would do it for the sake of being "normal" and less "lonely". Not that I want to fit into any norms, more like I want to know who I am... so I can be me. The eye-opening old childhood encounter was quite random but what I needed. My bestfriend in first grade for goodness sakes! It's really amazing how much I think she and I needed to catch up and reflect on those simple times. Also with the highschool friends... they remind me of who I was and what I've become. They bring out that spark in me that I feel like I'm missing at times. It made me realize of all the things that I miss about the "old me".

I miss the hugging and the laughs and the random spontaneous adventures. I rarely hug anymore, but once I'm back with these people it's hugs 24/7 all the time. When I need a hug, it doesn't need to be said there are always open arms there waiting. Man, I miss that lots. And I recall ME being the one to initiate that. Can you believe that?!? LOL. So much has changed... now I think it would be weird to initiate that hugging reflex. Partially because they don't know me like that and maybe also it's because the people in my life who don't hug don't know me in that respect. I'm mercurial and an enigma I tells ya. :P.

With all this socializing, I've realized that I'm really really good at initiating conversation and conversation topics, but I don't fair well with continuing the conversation. LOL. No idea what that's about. I guess I'm more interested in what other people have to say than for what *I* have to say. I guess I need to open up more. I don't really tell anybody anything... it's really bizarre, and I wish that could change but half the time I have no idea what I'm saying or mean to say... so really, what's the point?! :P.

I'm gonna try and get into dancing this summer. Just to see if I can do it. :).